


Too attached

by kimrinah (rosalieirenen)



Category: Block B, K-pop, Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Stardom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:10:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1503203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosalieirenen/pseuds/kimrinah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. After leaving Stardom Block B goes solo. Zico, Kyung and Jaehyo choose underground rap industry and they owe club. Topp Dogg is still before their debut so Yano is trainee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too attached

The way he watches him. Like he envies him for being so young. For being so energetic. So optimistic and cheerful. It hurts inside, the fact that he's already behind it.

"Two Americanos, hyung!"

He hands him cups with coffee and sends a genuine smile. The kid smiles back and goes to his table where a young and beautiful girl waits for him. He's dating a lot these days. How is it he has time for things like dating? When he was trainee he had no time for anything but practice, as he recalls it. Though it was so long ago that memories blurred the view now. He might have spend all free time just playing games or wandering through underground hip hop clubs at nights.

Another client orders a coffee latte and he prepares it quickly. He's dozing off too much lately so his boss noticed it and isn't happy about it. Kyung sends last look at the boy and focuses back on his work. It is a bit hard now while kid is in the cafe but he somehow manages it. Boss is watching him carefully.

*

"Yo girls" He yells eyeing the backstage of Seven, club his friend owes. Guys welcome him back not paying much attention to him. Jiho is behind tons of paperwork again. Kyung feels sorry for him but it's not like he's able to help him with it.

"I wrote it, Jiho," he says leaning on his desk. "I thought it'll make you at ease."

"Mhm," Jiho murmurs, then blinks. He looks away from the sheets of paper he was analyzing, and focuses on Kyung. "It's awesome, Kyung. Thank you."

Kyung giggles at his attemps for showing his appreciation for a hard work. Even if not directly, with proper words.

"Yeah. Do some breaks, Jiho. Need a coffee?"

Their evenings always begin the same. Jiho sitting at his desk, doing paperwork they produce as solo artists and as the owners of Seven club. They still have no manager, so they plan schedules, like they were doing during trainee times and after debut.

Debut. Kyung still thinks, how it would be, if they stayed in the industry. They were quite popular back then, especially as for a rookie group. They had sunbaes they praised and who knows, with a good management, maybe they were able to beat Big Bang over. Who knows. They had Zico.

He still sticks to it, but it's not that he regrets decisions, wich have been made. It was the right choice. They want to do rap, that real one. P.O, their little Jihoon, he was a rock soul. They all have their own priorities, being puzzles from different pictures. They didn't  
match themselves at all.

Musically. Coz they are still the best friends now, seeing each other at least once a week, despite the full schedules. They had to split. Kyung has this luck to have dreams, the same as Jiho. They stay toghether, their friedship even stronger after the breakup. He feels like telling Jiho everything that bothers him and everything that makes him happy. There's only one thing he's not saying to his former leader.

He looks at his notes were lines of a new song are written. It tells about his new crush. About not being sure, if it‘s a crush or not. About being not able to reach the person, to get closer, in order to find it out. That person is so fragile, so innocent, that the singer (which is NOT Kyung of course) is affraid to get attached, fears that he won't stop himself and hurt this girl in the end (coz it's obviously a girl).

Jaehyo reads those lines from behind Kyung's back and when he realizes it, he‘s startled a bit. Jaehyo laughs for a second, but makes a serious face then, questioning him. Kyung shrugges his arms and walks away.

Jaehyo makes a beat to this song at the same night at home. He improves it in next few days, but it’s still a lot to practice with.

Kyung knows he's been discovered to develop some feelings for someone, but Jaehyo keeps quiet, so he tries to put it away.

They perform the song next week and everyone is complementing Kyung instead of Jiho this time. For being really into it. Kyung isn't sure, if it should make him happy.

*

"Hi, Sangwon-ah" He waves his hand to the kid.

"I told you, call me Yano! It's going to be my stage name!" The boy scolds him for a thousandth time already. Kyung smiles and brushes his hair with his hand. He gave up stopping himself from doing it a few days ago. It pisses Sangwon, but not so much as the first time he did it. Kyung got attached to this kid and he couldn‘t do anything about it.

He's cheerful, he's young. Kyung knows it's only 3 years of a difference, but it's the style of their living. He lives with parents, goes to school and he's a trainee under Kyung's former label. Kyung was the same at his age. But he's now a grown up man. The underground society expects it from him.

"Hyung, what are you thinking so much?" He asks, worried expression on his face.

"Nothing much, kid. Where's your girlfriend?"

"I'm not a kid, I'm Yano," he says again. "We broke up. She was expecting impossible. Will you sit with me for a while, hyung?"

"Oh, really?" Kyung hides his interest and takes his aproon off, sending a message to his boss, that he uses his break time now. They sit at the table with a hot chocolate in cups. Kyung stares at his cup intensively. "Why is that so?"

Sangwon just says it doesn't matter and tell some stupid joke. In a moment Kyung forgets about the previous topic and laughs his lungs out. He feels so comfortable with Sangwon.

*

It's at the night after he came from club's performance. It's spring, almost summer and the sky is so clear, that stars are visible. Kyung thinks.

He thinks too much. He enters his small flat and goes straight to the bathroom to take a shower. While jerking off he sees Sangwon's face and he knows it's so wrong but he's helpless about it.

Kyung feels as he's betraying his trust. He just got too attached to Yano.

*

He thinks about changing the job and not saying anything, cutting it off. But it'd be running away. What it will change? So he keeps coming to his cafe. Smiling to him, whenever he steps by.

And he does it a lot more often than before. He's there everyday, even for a minute, just to say hello, report his improvement as a trainee and ask for a little advice. Or just for saying hello. Kyung calls him his drug in head. He notices it when Sangwon doesn't show up one  
day at his usual time. Kyung is nervous, can't focus on his work and the boss is about to kick him out. Kyung convinces him it won't happen twice and that he'll settle things out so he leaves a two hours earlier that day.

He goes to the beach. There's a lot of people at this time of a year, but he seems not to notice. He goes in the sea direction and stops just before getting his shoes wet. Looking at the water always calmed him down, but it doesn't work today. He's a mess. Keeping it all inside him makes things ten times worse.

His phone ringing startles him. "Yeah?" he answers, eyes closed and breathing in the salty air.

"Hyung? Where are you?" His heart skips a beat. It's Sangwon. "Your boss said you're not feeling well today. Are you okay, hyung? Can I come by?"

"It's okay, kid. It's okay." Kyung's voice isn't convincing at all. He has no power left to pretend nothing happened. Not today. "I just took some free time to rest at the beach, watching sunset."

"Woah, can I come? Where are you? I wasn't at the sea in so long!" Kyung hears and just says yes, helplessly.

Sangwon clings to him, his optimistic way to see sorroundings makes Kyung's heart melt. He writes some lines down in his note and then he does a little performance in front of Kyung, rapping about a perfectness of an evening by the sea, with a person close to you. Kyung's stomach twists at it.

"It's good," he praises him though. "It's really good, Sangwon-ah." He knows this kid will make it big someday. "What about freestyle?" Kyung dares him.

He throws up a few lines in a row and looks at the boy with expectation. Sangwon says he's never good at it but accepts the challenge and gives it a try. It comes out cheap at first, but Kyung convinces him to try again. They rap for an hour and at the end Sangwon is hyper about learning something new this day.

"Hyung, you're the best. I always knew I can count on you in everything."

Those words stab him, making his head spin. He should cut himself away from this kid, but he won't do it to him. He's not leaving him. He decides to be in pain that way. He's a grown man now after all, he can manage it.

"Sangwon-ah, you're the best dongsaeng I ever had," he spurrs, not thinking much.

Sangwon makes a thoughtfull expression. "Hyung... Why you hang out with me actually? You have your friends, they're your age and even older." He says it and the mood is all different now. Kyung sighs.

"Well, who knows?" He teases him. "I guess, it's because you're so fresh and energetic. I miss it a lot these days," he says the half truth.

"Wait, it means I seem like a kid to you and that's why you like me? Do you really see me as a kid?" He keeps asking. "You always call me one."

Kyung smiles weak smile. "Yeah, you are a kid, but in a good way."

Sangwon doesn't like it at all. "I don't want to be treaten like a child by you, hyung." He is serious.

"Can I go to see your performance tonight?" he asks after a long pause.

Kyung resists for a moment but gives up eventually. "Yeah, I guess you can come by for a moment."

Sangwon jumps out of a joy. "Awesome!" he says.

*

He stands in the first line. He really looks like a kid among the other guests, though he fits in with his hoodie. Kyung feels a bit stressed out, because of him, but raps his part well. Sangwon is in a club like this for the first time. It's completely new for him. For Kyung it's  
his life. Underground rappers. People known to none and guys like Tiger JK or Gonzo. They are here this night, preparing at the backstage room for their performance right after Kyung and Jiho's.

They got out the stage, into the crowd and Kyung goes to Sangwon. „You were awesome, hyung!" He shouts over the noise.

"Wait for Tiger, kid," he shouts back and bites his tounge. He calls him that again and even if Sangwon is so excited he doesn't notice, Kyung just doesn't want to upset him anymore tonight. Tiger shows up and they listen to the lyrics, enjoying doing it togheter. Kyung feels  
complete. He puts an arm over Sangwon's shoulder, while laughing and Sangwon doesn't mind. Kyung is content with things going this way.

And only Jaehyo watches him, like he knows. Kyung thinks, it's because of that song. He couldn't rap it out into Sangwon's face. The only part where he avoided his eyes.

Kyung kicks Sangwon out at the midnight. He has school tomorrow. But the boy is stubborn, so he doesn't leave without assurance that he can come by more often. Kyung sighs heavily, but agrees.

*

He doesn't show up in cafe anymore instead. He still has to practice. But he keeps coming once a week and manages his way to most of their regular guests. Nothing suprising with personality of his. On the other side Kyung doesn't feel safe. It was his asylum. He doesn't  
have other place, where he can put all the thoughts in him aside. It provokes another break in him.

He always used only truthfull feelings, when writing lyrics, so now everyone knows, something's wrong. They start to ask questions after another piece of text about being confused and in a mess. Kyung cannot help it, nothing other than a nostalgic stuff comes out of his brain.

Jiho takes him out for a walk on one of his free days. They do not talk for about twenty minutes and this silence is heavy for Kyung. He knows what's going to happen. He knows he'll have to tell Jiho. He kind of waited for it to come.

They buy cold cola and walk to the park. Jiho sits on a bench far from people parenting their children and it's relatively quiet.

He finally speaks. "What's wrong, Kyung?" He says not looking at him.

Kyung does the same, avoiding his eyes. He doesn't know how to say it. Just doesn't know.

"I don't know," he says at the end.

"Kyung, you know it'll be better if you say it?"

"I know. I just... It's a complete chaos in my head, you know."

"I know. I read your lyrics. Just tell me the reason. There has to be one. There always is a reason."

Kyung resists for a second.

"It's since that song about a crush, right?" He asks.

Kyung blinks. How could he know this? Is it becaus they know each other so well?

"Jaehyo said that. It seems like he knows more than that, but he doesn't say a thing. Why he knows and I don't?"

Kyung has to say something.

"It's a misunderstanding, Jiho. I haven't said anything to anyone. Maybe he just sees more, than the others."

"I work too much. I don't spend enough time with you guys. I know that."

"You got something that's bothering you too, huh?" Kyung laughs and Jiho joins him after a while.

"Yeah, that's bothering me a lot. But it doesn't have such influence to my balance in emotional life. And it has to yours, whatever is it, Kyung."

Kyung nods. It's building in him. Just few minutes more and he'll be ready to say it aloud. Jiho knows that, and waits.

"It is from that song about a crush," he admits. Jiho wants to ask a question, but stops, not wanting to interupt, once Kyung had opened himself. "There is someone I seem to like more than I'd want to. No, someone, I shouldn't want to like. It's... complicated."

He doesn't know anymore if he's doing right telling Jiho.

"Just, don't despise me for that, please. It's not like I choose it." Jiho puts a hand on Kyung's arm to encourage him. "It's this kid, Sangwon. I don't know why or how could this happen, but I think I like him." He says it while looking at his feets. Jiho's hand is about to back off, but it stays. Jiho doesn't say anything though. He just squeezes the hand.

Kyung covers his face with palms. "It sucks."

"You sure?" Jiho asks quietly, almost whispering. Kyung is about to break. He wants to disappear.

"Yeah. I am. So damn sure, that it's driving me crazy. I'm just too attached to this kid. Can't break this bond."

Jiho sighs. "What about him? He doesn't know, I guess?"

"Of course he doesn't. I'm his best sunbae. I'm someone he wants to be like. It would only hurt him. Leaving him would do the same. So I play along the role of a good hyung."

"It sucks," Jiho repeats Kyung's words.

"Yeah. He invades areas of my life, one after another and I can't find the power in myself to stop him. I'm going to give up soon."

He bursts out with all he was keeping inside for last weeks.

"How long?" Jiho asks.

"Four months since I realised it.

"Kyung..."

"You can't help it. Don't bother trying."

"You got my support. Remember about it, okay?" Jiho fiercing him. Kyung nodds.

"Thank you."

"So, you're gay?" Jiho says and smiles a little.

Kyung puts his lips into a thin line, but then laughs out loud. They giggle about that for a while.

"Not really. It's just for him, you know. You're safe, Jiho."

"I wanted to hear just that," Jiho answers and punches him.

Kyung feels a little lighter inside and thinks it was worth it.

*

Sangwon keeps coming, his rapping skills improving and he get's his way to perform. Double K is cheering for him from under the stage. It had to happen sooner or later. He's a part of a family now. But his trainee days ends rapidly. He prepares for a debut. His schedule is more and more tight and he's not that often now. Kyung misses him.

"Isn't it what you wanted?" Jiho asks him one day. Kyung is disappointed when kid's not showing up for a two weeks in a row." You've said it once, right? That you can't leave him without hurting him. Now you got the chance. He's the one doing it."

Kyung says nothing. They've grown up for real, he thinks. Living such a life. Facing new problems like paying the rent or envying youngers their carefree life.

*

<<Hyung, I miss our evenings. Can we meet soon?>>

This mail makes Kyung's heart jump in a joy. He already thought he's over it. All his friends look at him as he's an alien when he sings some pop songs. Jiho is affraid that Kyung's going to get hurt at the end, but says nothing.

He sends him back a message, that he can choose the time since his schedule is now a headache, as Kyung assumes. Because he knows, how it was, back in his debut times.

They meet at the sea, Songwon's choice.

"Hyung, remember? You taught me freestyle rapping back then."

"Yeah, I remember." Kyung smiles. "You've improved so much since then."

"Right? Well, I never forgot this moment. It was really the best."

Kyung rises his eyebrow. Isn't it what /he/ would say?

"Hyung..." Sangwon comes to him, too close as for Kyung. "I miss our hangouts." Kyung holds breath. "I... remember? I told you I don't want you to look at me as a kid. I know you stopped calling me that but... You still see me as one, right?"

Kyung doesn't know what to say. He doesn't get the point.

"Is it bothering you this much?" He asks.

"I... I know you'll laugh it out, hyung. Feel free to do it. But I think I like you."

Legs buckle under Kyung. He wants to just lean on and join their lips, even if for a second.

"What are you saying, Sangwon-ah?" He says instead.

"Yeah, I knew it. Nevermind, hyung."

He turns around and Kyung behaves without thinking. He stops him, holding his arm firmly.

"Sangwon-ah?"

"I like you, hyung. I can't help it. I tried to get over it, but I didn't know how. I know you see me as a younger brother or just a dongsaeng. You sure think it's disgusting, but... Okay, I won't bring it out again, but can we just stay as friends?"

Kyung puts a hand on Sangwon's head and joins their heads.

"We are friends, no matter what," he says. Why he isn't taking the chance? Such an occasion.

But it's just too new to Kyung. He sits in his flat and thinks it over. Sangwon likes him. He likes him. Should he..?

*

"Jiho?" he speaks to the phone. "You sleep?"

"And how do you think. It's 4 am."

"Meet me in the park in twenty minutes." He hangs out before Jiho can protest.

*

"What is so important?"

"Sangwon said he likes me. /That way/."

Jiho raises both eyebrows. "Woah, man. You're a damn lucky brat, you know?"

"What, you don't think it's ...wrong?"

"Like what? Man with a man? Well, I don't like the picture, but it's your life. If you like it..."

"It's not what I mean." He interrupts him. "Sangwon is young..."

"He's just three years younger than you, idiot. Remember what you did at his age?"

Kyung caunts years and says, "It's not the same!"

"Of course it is! He's the same kid as we were, Kyung. You're really an idiot if you believe in this innocent appearance of him. They're idol machines, all those labels. We were the same. We were made. Supposed to behave along the band's conception. That's how this industry works. And remember what was at the backstage, right? Man, you are really an idiot thinking he's an innocent kid."

"That hurts, Jiho." Kyung says and laughs nervously. "So you think that..."

"That if you really are sure of your feelings you should go for it. It's not like we have any brakes in this craft, man. Just go for what you want. As always."

"Uhmm."

"Good. And that's why I had to wake up at such an hour."

"Love you, Jiho."

"Oi, stop at that, Kyung!"

They laugh.

*

"So, you did a so called first step?"

"Sent him a mail. We'll meet tonight."

*

"Well, I had to just rethink what you've said, Sangwon-ah."

Kyung sits in front of him on a bench in the same park he went with Jiho. It's deserted at this hour.

"You'll treat me different until now, right?"

"Yeah," Kyung answers. He knows Sangwon will misunderstand it.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't say it in the first place. I risked our friendship and now I regret doing so."

"You shouldn't, kid." He says it on a purpose. Sangwon lowers his head.

"Sure."

"You shouldn't regret it, Songwon-ah." Kyung reaches his chin and makes him look in the eyes. He smiles and leans on. "Do you want it?" He asks. At least he has to be sure, right? He's the adult in here.

Sangwon looks at him not understanding anything.

"I don't want you to force yourself"

"But I'm not."

"If you want just to find out how it is, then stop in this moment, hyung."

"Find out what? How is it to kiss a boy? I'm pretty sure it technically is no difference than kissing a girl."

"You then test me, right?"

Kyung smiles again. "Yeah, that's the point. I'm testing you. And as for now, you fail."

Sangwon furrows eyebrows.

"I like you, hyung. I've already said it." He closed the distance and joins their lips in a kiss. He doesn't pull out. Kyung watches his lashes. His expression changes, and fists clench on Kyung's shirt. He finally pushes him away, opens eyes showing a hurt face.

That's the moment where Kyung takes it in his hands, not stopping himself anymore. He puts a hand on Sangwon's neck and gives him a proper kiss.

"Told you. You shouldn't regret saying it."

He holds him, face in his hair, his arms around Kyung's waist. They sit like that, wondering, how it's going to be since now. Sangwon falls asleep eventually.

Kyung feels at ease.


End file.
